The Misogyny Myth (Part 2)

The Misogyny Myth (Part 2)

I have given this #yesallwomen conversation a great deal of thought and though I still stand by what I posted yesterday, I don’t feel that it fully encompasses my views. I still think that there are better things to be talking about, but if this is going to be the topic of conversation, I might as well get my voice in there as well.

I mentioned in yesterday’s article, the experience I had with a coworker laughingly telling me about a man I worked with making inappropriate comments about my competency because of my gender. Yep, it was sexist and offensive. However, of the occasional the gender bias I experience in my male dominated position, the vast majority of it is an attempt to be considerate (i.e. worried about me getting my shoes muddy on a dirty job site, or concern about me climbing on a wobbly table). Sometimes I find it a bit irritating or pandering but I am NOT a victim.

When I see these male authored articles talking about how I, as a woman, have “suffered” and how they can “never fully understand what I’ve been through” it makes me very uncomfortable and here’s why. I haven’t suffered. These articles give an implied regret if not an outright apology for the painful ordeals that I allegedly endure on a daily basis. It's like having your parents tell you how proud they are of you studying for a test that you cheated on. You didn't study. I didn't suffer. More importantly, I feel like this victim pandering only further advances the idea of me as weak and downtrodden due to my gender and plays into the narrative that I need these men to stand up for me and defend me to all the other men out there.  Frankly, I find this overall conversation to be more sexist than most of the crap that I deal with on a regular basis.  Stop worrying about me because I’m a woman.  Seriously, I’m good… can we talk about something else now?

The Misogyny Myth

The Misogyny Myth

Someone is already angry just reading this title. Let me clarify. I DO believe misogyny exists (but I’m a sucker for alliteration). I am, however, struggling to reconcile my own experience and the expressed experiences of the women around me with the declarations of women talking about how difficult it is to grow up female, and the daily discrimination they face due to their gender. Everyone’s experiences are different and I do not mean to invalidate anyone’s feelings but this is completely foreign to my own experience as a woman and so many of the examples I read seem farfetched and distorted.

One flourishing example that has popped up on numerous occasions explains that women may tend to say to a would-be suitor, whom they are not interested in, that they have a boyfriend/fiancé/ husband instead of just saying they are not interested, because “aggressive men are more likely to defer to another man’s domain than to accept a woman’s autonomous rejection of him.” This implies that such a justification for disinterest is made out of fear instead of out of mercy (trying to let him down easy) or discomfort (it’s tough to reject someone). I would argue that men are as likely to use the girlfriend/ fiance/ wife excuse as women are and that this is not a subtle sign of sexism but a natural conflict aversion tactic. 

I work in a male dominated profession.  I have had an older male superintendent repeatedly try to goad me into going dancing with him (while I was trying to do my job), only to later learn from coworkers that he was remarking about my complacency in my profession in relationship to my gender. I was irritated and disgusted with this information. It was inappropriate and misogynistic but it in no way gives a picture of how I feel as a female living in the world today. Yes, all women will experience harassment. All PEOPLE will experience harassment. Welcome to life. 

I am not a victim, and when there are so many incredibly important issues and tragedies that NEED our attention, I don’t want the false impression of my victimization to be a distraction. Certainly, don’t be a sexist, but I don’t think this issue deserves the attention we are giving it.